Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I tested myself afterwards with my biofeedback method, even while I was in the middle of this completely messed up emotional state, and I found a huge conflict called "wanting to explode, repressed anger". I started taking these remedies, and the next day I went and got acupuncture, and this helped calm me down. But honestly I didn't want to see or talk to either of them after that, and I haven't seen my daughter since Sunday. I wrote a long message to my girlfriend, and pretty much the same one to my friend, explaining to them that 1. there are dynamics that happen in groups where people are excluded or picked on in one way or the other, even if these dynamics are not (necessarily) malicious or premeditated or even conscious; and 2. that even *if* it is a sensitivity that I have, if already I bring it up *nicely*, then I'd expect a partner and best friend to take it seriously and show some consideration. I also explained to them that it was important for me to be able to resolve this with them. I also apologized that I got pissed off and that this made things uncomfortable.
This situation brought up a very old hurt for me, which dates to when I was a child, which probably started already in my family (with my sister and mother and even my father), and which continued in school. I was often excluded and very specifically in 5th and 6th grade got picked on quite harschly. I was one of the smartest, which didn't help, but it did mean that I got out of there after those two years, and didn't have to stay in that kindergarden of a class. Anyway, this topic got reactivated for me, which is all the better, since now I can work out this old hurt and trauma as well. It also explains why I also continue to get very pissed off when my girlfriend is insensitive to me (I'm feeling relatively grumpy at the moment anyway).
I immediately started doing some research on the web, and found some interesting pdf articles on "mobbing", something which is well-known in Europe. It's extremely insidious and very hard to deal with, but it happens exactly in situations when the ones with more power pick on someone with less power, and a group of people gang up on a single individual, and finally it takes on its own dynamic. This research also confirmed for me that I was the victim of such mobbing when I was a child, and that this was extremely hurtful and destructive for me, and something that I've continued to carry with me, causing me to be antisocial in a general sort of way (and therefore also continuing the spiral of exclusion and mobbing which I experience). However, I feel that apart from getting pissed off in the end, I didn't play the victim in the situation, but decided to bring it up and say something about it, while remaining correct.
My friend recontacted me about ten days later, but basically explained to me that he disagreed with what I had written and that even though he thinks "that I'm someone who tries", he can't really do anything with all that. The call didn't end so well and so far we haven't been back in touch. It seems that our friendship, at least for the moment, is over. This is too bad, since he is someone I counted on as a close friend for a long time. It's worth mentioning that he was having a relatively tough time that day he came over, and that based on what he had said that day and also on the phone call afterwards, that he also seems to have a problem letting go of grudges - he drudged up something from a few years ago, which I had thought that we had resolved together.
My girlfriend wrote already that first evening that in thinking back on the afternoon, she could understand why I would end up feeling uncomfortable and hurt. She apologized and empathized, and said she was sorry for her part of all the teasing. She ended up showing me that she was on *my* side, something that I was grateful for. Considering when my friend started to tease me, my girlfriend jumped on the bandwagon, I'm glad that she finally got the point, and hopefully won't do this anymore.
My experience is always that when I say *NO* to something that I don't like, I end up being punished by being excluded or picked on even more. Interestingly enough, the solution to this "conflict" which I tested on myself, is to find creative ways of saying no and expressing anger and setting limits, and that it's possible to say no *without* ending up alone and being excluded. So although the situation ended up being a bit of a drama and emotionally quite traumatic, on the level of being able to resolve something from the past and bringing it back into the present, it was very useful.
And finally, I think no one likes being teased always by the same two people when it's a group of three. So in a way this is also a normal and ok that I finally said something. Too bad it turned into a drama and my friend left like that, hopefully next time it won't have to happen like this, and I'll find a way to say something *without* excluding myself.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Yesterday, while trying to create a plan with my wife on how we can get her to treatment for PTSD she triggered and convinced herself... honestly I'm not sure what she convinced herself of, but it appeared that in her mind I became the abuser and she thought she was being controlled in some way. For one of the first times in my recovery, I can actually say that I was not behaving in a controlling fashion. I definitely feel a sense of urgency, since she has been ill for a year now and is getting worse, in my opinion, by the day. At any rate, at my suggestion that maybe she wait to sell her horses after she returned from 30 days with professional help, she triggered and was unreachable. Nothing that fell from her lips was rational at that point and our conversation as two adults working together was derailed.
I took a time out, letting her know that I would return in 5 minutes to, hopefully, continue our conversation. After 5 minutes, I returned, but she was still swimming in a sea of victimhood and I was helpless to help her back to the land of sane thinking. I gathered my things to move back into a friend’s house to give her some space to get her head straight and took some time with my son to try to explain what was going on and when I would return for him. He assured me that he was ok staying with mommy but cried that I had to leave. As I pulled out of the drive, I was stopped by a deputy sheriff who demanded I stay and explain what was going on.
The beautiful thing about it was that I actually had no fear of the deputy or the situation, knowing that I had used the tools of VA to stay cool and calm. In the past I would have been shitting myself, knowing that I had actually laid a hand on her or screamed and shouted horrible things at her. This time thanks to VA, none of that had happened. It was embarrassing, since the cleaner was there and I had to call a client and cancel an appointment while the deputy cleared me to go. I took the time to play with my son and did my best not to give him the impression that anything was wrong. Thanks VA.